First thoughts of 2020

On this first day of the new year I walk this path of uncertainty in life it seems all too familiar as if this moment has been reincarnated from a time way back when. 

I miss you. 

You are not here with me but far away in another place where our touches and embrace miss each other. You are my children. I am your mother. 

I look around and sense life as it goes on. Memories flood my eyes with tears thinking of our time together and missing you both so much. Only heaven can understand this moment. Only Angels with wings give me comfort. Like the butterfly you promised as a sign of hope. Not to give up but to keep going on. 

As I walk I watch the light coming through the trees by the waters edge and think for one moment I am near you, sitting under the tree where I laid you to rest. Right by the sea. 

Even though it’s a different shore nothing can come between this feeling of loss and inability to change things that I have no control over. But somehow, someway in that faint breeze I feel you hugging me one last time. And I miss that. 

I miss you. 

A new year has to happen. Life goes on even though I don’t understand why but I clearly see I need to make a plan. 

A plan to start living for you and me. A plan to begin to heal and find peace and tranquility. 

Wherever I go, Hana and Billy, you will always be a part of me. So we live on together as if this was all just a dream. 

So I am starting to pick up the pieces of my shattered dreams and know one day I will see you again. 

Until then I will miss you. But I will start to live now as I know you would want me to  

Love you, 
Momma